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Why don't I write here anymore? Well..yeah, I haven't had computer in a month because of the move, so that may be part of it, but I haven't felt like writing lately. And there's really no point to this since no one reads it, but I like to do it anyway. Hmm. I'm actually feeling okay for once, though there's one thing that's been bothering me lately. It's the fact that I feel like one of my closest friends is drifting away even though not much has changed with us. Just that they are so quick to judge me on everything I do. They've always been like that, but it's starting to get to me. So if you read this and think that it might be about you, it probably is. And I want you to think about this shit, because it's ridiculous. I've never really been who I wanted to be. For years I've just sort of blended in. I've been the quiet girl, the forgettable girl, the girl no one really thinks about unless we're close. But I'm slowly changing and coming out of my shell, and for once I actually like where I am and how my life is. My friends support me and love me. Except for you. And it hurts, since you're one of the closest people to me. You idolize these people, you love them, love everything about them. So do I. But when anyone else does something similar to them, dresses like them, anything, you put them down. Unless of course you know them, in which case they're different for some reason. But then me, who's closer than those people, you put down for the smallest thing. And it's complete bullshit. The truth of it is...you should accept me no matter what. And really, you're not that different from any of those people. Why can you do it but they can't? Why are you better because you're not as 'commercial'? If you could afford it, you'd get it too. But it's easier to put them down and act like you're so fucking amazing. There's a few things you should know: - I'm friends with HER. Yeah, her. And I know I put her down and have been just as nasty as you, but we've worked it out. Because people change. It might interest you that I can tell her anything, ANYTHING, and I don't get judged. So what is it that makes you better than her?
- I dress like half the people you called losers or think are buying into some stupid trend. But NOTHING is original anymore anyway. I'm just wearing what I like. I'm not trying to be anything. And you should fucking get over it. Like you said before, "It's just clothes." Even though you really didn't stick to that statement...but it's true. So fuck you.
- I'm bi. And not because I think it's cool. We're supposed to love people because of their personalities, not their looks, right? Why is this any different?
- Sometimes I don't even want to see your fucking face because I know there's so many things about me that you don't know, and so many things you wouldn't understand, and I can't even stand to be around you. I can't relax, I can't just breath or be myself sometimes. And now that I think of it, I really don't know that much about you anymore, either.
- It pisses me off that you're drinking, and smoking, or doing whatever the fuck it is you're doing. You're not cool. You're a fucking idiot. Yeah, it makes for good stories later, and yeah, I laugh, and YEAH, I haven't exactly been a role model either, but every story I hear from you is about you and the same group of people getting drunk or whatever.
- I don't care that you eat meat, but it's stupid that you tell people PROUDLY "I was a vegetarian for 6 months!" or however fucking long it was like it's some big accomplishment or like it makes you a good person. Don't brag about something you didn't have the willpower or heart to keep up with. It doesn't make you cool. Also, the fact that you completely refuse to let people think that your being a vegetarian had anything to do with me. Even if your motivation was someone else, can you honestly say you would've ever done it if you weren't friends with me?
- Even after all the shit I just wrote, I still have things I won't write here because I KNOW you wouldn't get it. At all. But it doesn't change the fact that my secrets are still real AND don't change who I am whatsoever.
So yeah. You probably won't read this for awhile, or ever, but I needed to get it out. And I hope you do read it since I'm too much of a pussy to say it to your face. It's not like you'd take me seriously anyway, but I'm over it. Accept me or stop talking to me. Because I want you as a friend, a GOOD friend, a friend I can tell anything to, but if you can't just take me as I am, I don't need you in my life anymore. Tags: fuck you
Current Location: upstairs
Current Mood:  sad
Current Music: "The City Is At War" by Cobra Starship
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Oh God I feel for you, fool...
It's sad how people are so concerned with their own opinions. I mean, honestly. This specific person I have in mind...they're an adult, for fuck's sake. What the hell? I practice diplomacy, I try my best not to hold grudges. I don't want to be cruel, I just want people to try and see it from both sides. But some are so blinded by their own views that they won't even listen to reason; instead of trying to understand what people have to say, or even attempting to listen, they just attack me. What did I ever do to them personally? I've made my mistakes. I've learned from them. I've grown from them. What authority are they to tell me that I'm "empty"? That I'm a "sad", "pathetic", or "insecure" person? They don't know me. They only know what they've heard when others were angry at me. They've only heard of the bad things I've done, and that's all they're willing to hear. Do they have any idea what I've been through? What I've had to deal with? And what for my thoughts? I'll bet anything that I've thought things in my average day dream that they haven't even glimpsed in their deepest sleep. How can someone see the world in such a narrow view? Our world, this world that human's have created, these social "norms" we coined...what do they all mean? Once there was nothing; no humans. Just nature. Just life. Just peace. Yet now people expect the most ridiculous behavior as some odd courtesy. I don't care if she hates me. She said in her own words that she had compassion for me, then I told her the same and wished her well, yet she turns around and calls me a liar. Does that strike you as mature? And she says that I'm the sad one, that I'm the one with the problems. She needs to let go. They all do. I'm cruel at times. I'm a fucking bitch. I don't do it because of insecurities, I don't do it because of some bully formula. I'm not a bully. If someone pisses me off enough, I'll say something. It's not as if I go looking for fights or jump at the opportunity of one, and most of the time I actually just sit there and think of all the lyrics I love. People shouldn't take it personally. Especially since I'm always more than willing to talk things out civilly if they give me the same courtesy. I enjoy talking things out. They just have to be willing to look at it from my side, as I am from their's. I hope that someday people can let go of such pathetic focuses, and just live. Live not by the laws of society, social, legal, or otherwise, but just live as morally and justly as they can; just live for others, for themselves, and to live life to its fullest. This shit shouldn't be so common. Tags: i feel for you
Current Location: Somewhere lonely
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: "Chicago Is So Two Years Ago" by Fall Out Boy
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I just got back from my first "official" guitar lesson. I'd played awhile back, just having a friend of mine try to teach me, but I never had time for it. I learned more in this half-hour lesson, though, then I did in all my other "lessons" combined. Despite all my stress of late, I actually feel MOTIVATED for once. The teacher says I have natural talent, and I already know that this is what I want to do with my life. I could never settle in doing a traditional job. I need something exciting, something where I'm not held down. I need the freedom to be with who I choose, and as alone as I want at the same time. Sure, I'm just starting, but music is what I live for. If I'm feeling down, my ipod can always cheer me up. If it weren't for music, my life would be empty. It's what gives me hope. I want to be able to give that to others. So for the first time in months, perhaps years, I'm sure of something. I feel grounded, fulfilled. All from that half an hour. The empty, stressed feeling that's been haunting me is gone (slowly creeping back, but hell). I go back in two weeks for my next lesson. Already counting the days. :D Tags: guitar, hope, rawr
Current Location: Computer.
Current Mood:  hopeful
Current Music: "Breath" by Breaking Benjamin (o.O alliteration?)
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Life confuses me daily. You see, I think of myself as a happy person. I’m happy right before I go to sleep, dreaming of all the things I want to be and want to know. I’m happy just when I’m waking up, when I’m still asleep, trying to recapture the last remnants of my dream. But the rest of the day is such an odd mix... I’ve fallen so behind in school, it’s ridiculous. I ace the quizzes, I have 102% completed work average..why am I failing? Honestly, I know the answer. It’s simple: I don’t do the work. Sure, I’m capable, but I don’t even feel like putting the effort in. I have better things to do, it seems. Yet the stress still takes a toll on me. That essentially ruins my time at home (besides when I’m asleep). The god damn stress. Then, there’s the rest of the day... The rest of the day can be summed up in one word: school. School is school, and it always will be. Kids will always be horrible, teachers will always be sadistic. It’s the way it goes. But hey, I can deal with it with the help of a few people. Really, I guess this means I’m living for my dreams. Those few dreams that are peaceful escapes, a pleasant parallel to my not-so-pleasant life. My hope? One day..those dreams will be real. :) Flying unicorns and Aladdin isn’t too much to ask for, right? Tags: aladdin, life, ryan ross
Current Location: A Cabin Mansion
Current Mood:  frustrated
Current Music: "HeroHeroine" by Boys Like Girls
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Okay, well I haven’t written here in a long time it seems. I don’t think I ever really got around to writing in this more than that first day, but I get distracted easily, so please forgive? Anyway, I’m here now. Well, I’d started a story. Ended up actually making it to page four before losing interest and regaining my Writer’s Block. Impressive, hmm? I can’t seem to get myself going like I used to be able to. It’s depressing, really. And it doesn’t help that I’m sick. And fucking busy with school. Horrible, I know. Hmm...well today, I think I’d like to rant about.... Weather? It’s sunny right now, and I feel like going outside, but for some reason I’m too lazy too. I really do like the sun, even if I like rain more. But we haven’t seemed to have either lately. It’s asjkfhskgd weather. Like, crappy cloudy stuff. Oh so interesting... Ok, well I’m going to TRY to write more starting now, but I’m not promising anything. Hopefully I’ll get past WB’s and then I’ll have something to show you all! Bye for now <3 Tags: asjkfhskgd, poptarts, weather
Current Location: Halfway to the door
Current Mood:  sick
Current Music: "Lazy Eye" by Silversun Pickups
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Well, I was gone for the weekend, and too lazy and exhausted to write any time Monday or Tuesday, but now I'm back. :) I don't think this entry will end up as anything special, more just a device to shoo away the guilt of neglecting my journal. I'll be back to rant some more tonight I suppose. In the meantime, I'll just bitch shortly about something that's been bothering me. Smilies. Honestly, what the fuck? They're little circles (most of the time) with dots for eyes and lipless smiles. How did they ever pass as a face? It scares me! Yet people, myself included, recognize a huge variety of emotions that can be portrayed by smilies. It's ridiculous. -.- Fuck, see? How is '-.-' a face? ..... I'll go now... Back tonight, loves. <3 Tags: bitching, lazy, rants, smilies
Current Location: Nananananananananowhere
Current Mood: bitchy
Current Music: "Ramalama Bang Bang" by Roison Murphy
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Wow. I think it’s about to rain. I love the rain. I actually love it more than I love most people I know. Quieter, less annoying, and it actually helps me write. It’s beautiful. Anyway, it’s still in that awkward in-between stage. Not sunny, not rainy. Gloomy. That’s definitely the word for it. Gloomy. I like it though. Feels…cozy? Hah I don’t even know if I’m making sense. That’s what a rant’s for though, right? And I think I've deicided that I’d rather be a pirate than an adventurer. Yes, definitely. Though I’d, of course, even rather be or ninja. Or would I? *sigh* And cue the start of the age old debate.
And which IS better? Pirates or Ninjas? And wow, I started THIS particular rant several hours ago. Went and ate dinner. Watched a movie. Back to the attention span thing. Pathetic, no?
And yes, this will be my last for the night. So this concludes my first day writing...about Writer's Block. Ironic, hmmm?
And sadly, my last day, until Monday, as I will be in a location that most likely has no internet access for the next three days. Fear not. I'll be taking my handy dandy notebook with me so I might have something more interesting to write about when I get back.
And what better way to end this than with two simple words?
Goodnight and Goodbye. :]
(what, expecting something better?) Tags: goodbye, writer's block
Current Location: Where is my mind? o.O
Current Mood:  tired
Current Music: "Baby's Got Her Gun Out" by Rediscover
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